i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
