i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
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