if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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