It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
