you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
