and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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