hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
