mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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