As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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