You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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