New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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