you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
