Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
