I cannot find my penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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