My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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