i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
