my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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