My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
