i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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