Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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