Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
