I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
