i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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