There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm getting married
To pizza
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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