Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There r osticjed everywhere
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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