End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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