smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
