I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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