I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
