I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
