omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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