I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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