I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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