I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
