i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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