My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
