it was like his penis was on wheels.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
did i walk over a car last night?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
