I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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