I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
