I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
