Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
