The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
