Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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