so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
