I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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