I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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