My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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