so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
