I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
