I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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