why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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