sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
