I want to have your abortion
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
