I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
